on being comfortable

There is definitely something cozy about the Manna house, especially today - it hasn't stopped raining since about 6pm last night it seems. It falls in these heavy, gorgeous drops and it's so nice just to sit here on the couch after playing Bananagrams and watch it splash into the puddles on the stone walkways outside. I slept so peacefully last night...nothing sounds like calm the way rain on a roof does. This morning I read and had a big mug of coffee, and for lunch Elena made guacamole that tasted like heaven. I am comfortable here, getting used to the heaviness of the air and the feeling of relief that comes when it is broken by storm. I am getting used to the sun being the one to wake me up early, poking me with yellow fingers. I am growing comfortable with the frizzy Hermione Granger-esque hair I seem to develop here. I am growing comfortable.

...and I'm uncomfortable about that.

It is a strange sensation to feel like I'm on vacation even though that isn't what I am here for. It's a strange sensation to go out into the communities and then come back here and have someone cook me all my meals and swim in a pool and swing in a hammock or go get Pop's ice cream and be comfortable. I don't really know how to feel about it, but I'm afraid that it's taking away from my ability to truly understand and explore the world of poverty the way that I want to. And it's going to be a challenge, I think, as we get more involved in programs and become more in tune with the way Manna serves here, not to let myself fall into the trap of being comfortable. It's so easy. It's so easy just to want to hang out here and enjoy the sunshine and forget about the world outside and what it's like. It's scares me how easy it is.

But you know what's hard? Loving boldly. That's hard. Speaking Spanish to someone even though you are terrified and will probably sound like an idiot. That's hard. Attempting to build relationships with people who have a culture vastly different than yours. That's hard. But that's what we are called to - to be lovers. To be bold. To have authority to GO and to love. It isn't comfortable, but it's what matters. And so that's my prayer for the rest of my time. Not that I would be comfortable, but that I might be courageous and that I might learn to love even when it isn't easy.